all the leaves are brown

little flip

2009-11-26T05:35:00.000-08:00

Good morning!

2009-10-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Here I am waiting for this meteor shower and listening to The Flaming Lips!

Do You Realize - The Flaming Lips

I'm not sure if I'm delusional from being up this early or the magic in this song but I'm feeling pretty good right now!

Alright.

family on facebook

2009-10-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

So, I have this uncle on my dad's side of the family I never met but always really felt like I could relate to. When my dad first moved to the US, he roomed with my uncle Ray who I'm assuming, from what they tell me at least, was the 'black sheep' of the family.

I hope you know what I mean by 'black sheep' because I don't want to have to explain that idiom. On a random night with Arabs and an Egytian, I found myself having to do so, which really brought the party I was at down. Never mix idioms and brew. Especially if you use bad examples.

"You know, black sheep! Like bad seed!"
"Seeds?"
"Yeah yeah, idiom. Like, I'm in a pickle."
"What the fuck does a pickle have to do with sheep?"
"No, no. Idioms, idioms."
"Shut the fuck up."

This wasn't the first time I tried giving out basic English lectures while drunk.

ANYWAYS, back to my uncle Ray. Whose real name is Rey, which is directly translated as 'King', but I'd feel uncomfortable referring to him as that, so I'm 'Americanizing' his name, if you can even call it that... Yes, now, uncle Ray!

He roomed with my dad, was in a band, listened to Cat Stevens, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Santana... you know, the good stuff. Well, he took off to Canada in '86, and no one really heard from him after that. Now, my dad was stuck with all his stuff and every apartment he'd move to there would go my uncle's things with him. His amps, tapes, records, guitar. Everything. As the years passed by, the boxes became less and less, my parents met, married, and life went on, as did my uncle Ray's boxes. Now about six years ago my parents finally settled in the suburbs, as well as my uncle Ray's boxes. During the summer of 04 I had started to smoke pot and after a lovely evening with a water bottle and foil, (that's how we did it, old school) I had the necessity of watching the Disney movie Fantasia. So there I went with my high, into the garage. On a mission. Instead of finding Mickey and his sorcerer's hat, I found myself looking in my uncle Rey's box. A single box. I pulled out a VHS copy of Pink Floyd's the wall. And so it began.
Everyday I dug deeper and deeper in that box. Eventually I found a pipe and it was from there I knew I had to get to know this anonymous uncle. My dad eventually found the VHS copy of The wall, and questioned me. About a weekend later, it was all gone, except for the guitar and it's an amp. All the tapes, all the records, note books, drawings. I felt like it had be left to me. As a gift in a way.
So now the amp sits in my room and so does that beautiful fender, which I feel like I'm degrading it by touching it. That's how nice that guitar is! And the pipe, which my dad found and hid.

ANYWAYS, this uncle got in touch with our family a few years ago.
He's married, still in Canada, with two kids and a cat.
Sell out.

What I'm trying to get at IS, a few days ago I got a friend's request on facebook. My Uncle Ray. I accept of course the only picture of him, is this thin man in shorts, probably in his fifties, gray hair and mustache, at what seems to be a public pool. I don't know what to say. Honestly! I want to tell him all these things, with out overwhelming him! But this is practically a stranger! What if he's changed? What if he stopped enjoying music! What if... he's a born again christian!? GOD! (no irony, intended) So I don't say anything at all. The next day I see in my feed he has taken a quiz "What type of underwear are you?" His result; Thong.

On a lighter note, my dad has a facebook he says he doesn't care about.
Liar, he's already added everyone in the family except for me.

So talk about me going to Germany is now set in stone.
My cousin Melani is already teaching me all the insults and dirty words.
I'm promised a trip to Munich, in which I will buy beer for everyone because I can.

I left my ipod's usb cord at home. Kill me.

Okay.

By the Sea side

2009-10-19T21:04:00.001-07:00

I'm half way done with This side of paradise which makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is that I'm aware of what's going on, fully, I just have no feeling towards it. I feel like I'm reading just to read. UGH!

Besides that, life's been looking up. I guess.
I haven't had a cigarette in two days, going on strong for three.
I haven't had a drink in about four going on for five!
I'm not sure how long it's been since I've smoked-smoked, I guess that's not important anymore.
I convinced my mom to take me to Galveston for a week or two just to stay in Dad's condo. It helps me get clear headed. The condo has it's own private beach and I need my morning walk's back. Plus the weather is just to die for.

I'm eating a ceaser salad. Although, I regret it. This cheese literally tastes like shit. Turdy's the word I believe.

Well.

So.

2009-10-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today I actually checked out books from the library.
I'm starting to read This Side of paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Only, I'm not reading it NOW because I kept getting distracted.
My room is a mess. I was on my bed, finishing the Preface, you know where they tell you about the author, his parents, crazy wife, mental breakdown, and ultimately (at least this case) his death, and I didn't feel at ease, yknow? I looked over to my right and there's jeans toppled on top of my journal. Which I had been looking for earlier, because I wanted to note a Oscar Wilde quote. "Experience is simply the name people give their mistakes." Well, I put the book down, picked up my journal, wrote the quote and went back to reading. I didn't feel at ease though, there's something about a dirty room. I read what was left of the preface and folded clothes.

Anyways. A little more on my day. Race back to about 10 am.
I drank what was left of an MD 20/20 (yuck, only kiwi lime isn't so bad) and yes, I do drink in the morning. Although, I promised my self yesterday that I wouldn't drink anymore. I'm trying to start living a little less recklessly than how I have been doing. That and come on, I need a little discipline in my life.

SIDENOTE: (these sidenotes are bad habits, I do this in my journal alot) I HERE BY PROMISE MYSELF NOT TO DRINK ANYMORE. OR ELSE... I WILL PULL OUT AN EYELASH FOR EVERY BOTTLE/CONTAINER/GLASS/ETC.

I picked up/dropped off Jennifer and Jessica at school, and since I've convinced myself I need to start thinking about school, really yeah. I wondered if I could talk to an adviser in their high school. I go to the front office and ask for a "Mr.Strait" who from what they told me, has a funny laugh and a cluttered office with diet cokes everywhere. I told them to refer me to the least funny looking, funny sounding man, because I had just drank. I told my friends this, not the secretaries. I go up to the front desk, and they give me a weird look because I'm not in class.

"I don't go here."

I'm saying this while holding an empty binder.

"I just need to talk to Mr. Strait."

So they send me in. I'm trying to sober up a little. Just so I can get a little out of this conversation, it's about my 'future' after all. They were right about the diet cokes. I shook his hand.

"Hi, I'm Caroline. I don't go here but a few people referred me to you."

He lit up. No, we didn't smoke bud. Although... that would've made for an interesting SAT conversation. He smiled. Beamed, practically.
I noticed he looked like a potato when he got up to hand me about fifty packets. Said something about registering online, then sat back in his chair. I kept looking at him. He seemed like he was melting in that chair. Melting into him self. He actually looked kind of like Jabba the Hutt. With glasses and a button up.

You can imagine. I left though and left a little more motivated than how I walked in.
I needed fiction books. The last books I've read were either references, biographies, how to's or journals. Seriously, from books on how to knit, to philosophical accounts on love, which just left me more confused and guarded. Too much reality including what's going on with me currently. I need some type of escapism that isn't harmful to my well being. I always loved reading fiction. I can't really remember why I stopped.

No more drinking. And that's that.

I have a friend who just left for Europe. Lucky. I didn't get to see him as much as I would've liked before he left thanks to my mother being heartless, and tmobile for screwing with your service, hah. And now I feel even more sad because he was stuck in an airport so he texted me and I missed it because of a cigarette. I sent him a text telling him to be careful, but not too careful. Today after I spoke with the Jabba the Hutt adviser I went back to Jennifer's house to play the piano. Her family has a nice grand piano, that her, jess and I really wish for her to inherit. I wanted to call my friend up and play piano for him. Actually I just wanted to leave it in his voicemail, because I feel that it would've been most appropriate. I didn't do it though. Because I felt that he would answer and well, like I said, drunk piano playing is voicemail material. It was a nice little jam session with my self though.

Oh yeah favorite thing today. Piano playing of course! And the fact I've been alone for most of the day. It really is nice.

wet and warm

2009-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've been in and out of the bath tub. Sometimes up to three times a day. It brings up so many emotions for me. Soothes others. It's nice.

Caroline: I'm so tempted to drink the rest of my MD and bathe. I love being in the water.
11:48pm

Eric: do it, i hate it lol i love my warm dry bed
11:48pm

Caroline: WHAT why!? oh, I do too. But I love the water more! Especially now that I dont give a fuck about my hair. I love falling asleep after a bath.
11:49pm

Eric: hah i know aht you mean, if you take a real hot bath, it will knock you out!
11:49pm

Caroline: Yes! that's what I want! It's so nice. You're toes get this weird peanut feeling.

AND I CAUGHT IT! I CAUGHT IT! I caught the very second where my pillow and comforter turned from cold and generic to comfy and cozy and warm. OR in other words when my body temperature adjusted. It was ground breaking. I promise. Look for it the next time you sleep. Especially if you've missed it for your past life time.

re-reading/finishing

2009-10-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm rereading/finishing my own books.
That's what I'm doing. Or at least trying to do.
Break your bad habits.
Empowering.
It really is.

The reason for this is that I FINALLY got my paws on a library card! Although the selection in the area is a joke.
Well. One step at a time.

I will quote something from my journal because a friend found it interesting and perhaps you will to.

"The next time I have sex I want it to be like Radiohead's House of Cards. I know, it's a stretch. Shut up." Then I drew a daisy.

Another thing I'm doing is writing down favorite things of the day.
For example today was "Reading and writing in the dark. Not getting carded to buy alcohol. And Radiohead." Obviously for the latter. I felt guilty reading back on the sex/radiohead combo. After all, I wrote it in church. Yeah yeah, mind in the gutter. It's okay. I'll live with it.

Goodnight.

This chicken tastes like water.

2009-10-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well. Here I am again.
I'm such an idiot. Always out to be the martyr. I don't know if it's just my own masochistic nature or spite. Impulse will, does, and always has gotten the best of me. Fuck. I'm fucked up sometimes. It's frustrating really.

Party tonight. Hopefully, things will look up.
Noah's home from college! Drinks all around. I said I was going to stop and give myself a break but shit. It's been a good work week and I could use a good laugh or two. Maybe a good cry? Keep vodka away from me in order to keep a smile on my face.
But I like crying. And shit, sometimes I like feeling miserable. It's comfortable in a way. You can only expect things to look up. Maybe it's the weather bringing me down?
No. No. It's something else. I know.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE.
I found myself falling back into somewhat of a strange habit from when I was a kid.
See, I used to sing happy birthday all the time. But I would never sing it to the people around me. I'd just make up names and squeeze them into the song. Dance around a little bit. Anyways, In the shower I found myself humming it, to the point where it bothered me that I couldn't comfortably say the words. So I forced them out. Yelling, because I was home alone. I sang it to my dog Lady though, who was in the bath tub with me as well. I swear she's the splitting image of dead Van Buren. A little awkward in the shower when it came to shampoo rub downs.

sidenote

2009-10-01T07:22:00.001-07:00

Never give your number to a meth head.
Especially after you know they want to fuck you.

I've made so many mistakes the past two weeks I'm choosing to ignore.
I'm going to ignore.

Now! Got to go buy a pack of smokes!

-

2009-10-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart... I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

And you know you're getting older when instead of scabs from falling off climbing trees or rug burns, you get them from trying meth. And your friend calls you at the verge of tears because it hurts when they pee and they didn't use a condom. When you fully understand why your dad cheats on your mom, and how that's completely socially unexceptionable, but you know how things work. How nothing is exactly black and white. Not even gray. But instead they're almost translucent hues of pink.

I'm going to be very sad soon. I know this. I've even had dreams about it. You aren't supposed to dream about bloody severed heads. Hiding them behind dressers, in a house that isn't your own. I wish it actually felt like fall here, or I'd at least live in an area where the leaves turn colors and fall. So I could go on walks and feel good about crying. I always feel guilty about crying. It's my dad's fault. He always tells me to 'man up' because crying is a weakness blah blah blah. Funny how he's the main person aside from myself, that can bring me to tears in an instant.

"To see a head severed from its trunk, and bloody, you will meet sickening disappointments, and the overthrow of your dearest hopes and anticipations."

No bueno.

Well.

2009-09-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

I was always into bruises anyways.

Harvesting Giraffes

2009-09-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

#6.Giraffes

The Arabic-speaking Humr people of Sudan are strictly forbidden to partake in any plant-based intoxicant such as alcohol or cannabis, which is a bizarrely specific restriction reminiscent of the Transportation Security Administration’s express identification of nunchucks as a prohibited item on airplanes. However, as long as only plant-based toxins are forbidden, we’re seeing a loophole big enough for B.J. McKay to drive through.

You can’t see it, but Bear has nunchucks.

Umm Nyolokh is a made from the liver and bone marrow of giraffes, a compound believed to contain traces of DMT and other psychoactive components. The primary effect of Umm Nyolokh is the hallucinations it reportedly causes, which stupendously are hallucinations of giraffes. As whimsical as this sounds, seeing the animal that you just killed to get high sounds like it could make for some pretty terrifying trips.

“REMEMBER ME, ASSHOLE?”

Among the Humr people, the purpose of taking Umm Nyolokh is that the visions supposedly reveal the location of more giraffes that can be hunted. At first glance this seems like a very vision-quest type thing to do; a spiritual extension of a people living harmoniously with nature. But like the 80s drug PSA starring the stock broker who “does more coke, so he can make more money, so he can buy more coke,” the tribesman probably take that extra hit of Umm Nylokh so they can locate more giraffes, so they can make more Umm Nyolokh, so they can locate more giraffes. It’s a vicious cycle, and one that we’d imagine has to make for some much more confused hunting and gathering.

“Shit, are you the giraffe I just killed and made drugs from, or the giraffe I’m about to kill and make drugs from?”

It’s really no more harmonious than taking your stereo to Cash Converters so you can buy a couple grams of heroin, though admittedly less African wildlife is involved.

#5.Salamanders

For those who missed a few classes of third grade Biology, salamanders are those amphibians that look like lizards as part of a desperate natural ploy to stop getting thrown out of reptilian country clubs. Salamanders also have the charming characteristic of oozing mucous from pores in their skin, protecting them from drying out in the air and providing lubrication while in the water.

Geraldo shares this trait.

In many species this doubles as a defense mechanism, as the mucous is both highly toxic and completely fucking disgusting.

You’re right with us if you’re thinking right now you’d rather keep these things as far away from your mouth as possible. However, a Slovenian folk recipe for salamander brandy calls for throwing live salamanders into a fermenting pot of fruit.

The salamander, in an attempt not to absorb ethanol into its sensitive skin, will exude the toxic mucous until its ooze-glands are spent and it dies, because the one thing missing from our fruit bowl is a rotting dead amphibian.

“Wow… that’s a lot of blood.”

The resulting salamander brandy has euphoric, hallucinogenic and aphrodisiac effects to the point that it is said that after drinking it, users may suddenly develop spontaneous new fetishes–which could be for anything at all–and then act them out on something completely different in their boner-driven salamander juice confusion.

So, the evening of a typical salamander brandy drinker may progress from pizza and TV, to cracking open a salamander brandy, to developing the insatiable urge to peniscerate a dishwasher, to mistaking a cat for a dishwasher, to mistaking Tom Sizemore for a cat, to having sex with Tom Sizemore.

#4.Cobras

The cobra, or naja, family of snakes are renowned for deadliness and are one of the only non-Australian species to regularly show up on “deadliest snake” lists. And for good reason; the venom of the cobra contains several separate active components, including a powerful neurotoxin and a compound that attacks the respiratory system. Essentially, a cobra bite will suffocate you and rape your brain. Obviously it was just a matter of time until someone tried to do some on purpose, to get high.

“COBRAAAA!”

Some of the proteins in cobra venom effectively block acetylcholine receptors in the brain, producing a state referred to by science as “spaced the fuck out, man.” Iranian-American, new age author, Jamshid Hosseini described his experience with a drink made from tea, milk and cobra venom whilst traveling with Hare Krishna and Hindu monks:

“Oh, my God, why did I do this? I’m a fool. This is the stupidest thing I ever did.”
- Jamshid Hosseini

He then went on to re-experience his childhood before embarking on a cosmic journey through time.

Hosseini barely survived the cobra tea party, and recommends that those seeking spiritual enlightenment substitute meditation for almost dying from deadly snake venom. Still, his experiences haven’t deterred our eastern brothers, as many Asian cultures have been bottling “snake wine” for years, jamming cobras into bottles of rice wine and straight grain alcohol to dilute them into the mixture.

Not pictured: snake-related agony

Spiking alcohol (which is a poison) with cobra venom (which is a poison) is the type of trailblazing genius that painted the Sistine Chapel and brought The Flintstones to prime time television, so knock back another cold glass of death juice in the name of progress.

Also, there’s sometimes scorpions in it, which adds a delightful bouquet of more poison.

#3.Bees

“Bet you five bucks you won’t bite into that thing.”

Honey has some bodacious pharmaceutical qualities; boosting the immune system, preventing cancer, soothing cold and flu symptoms and tasting wonderful on crumpets. It’s also a good preservative and we’ve found pots of honey in China and Egypt that are still in edible condition after thousands of years. But that shit isn’t why it’s on this list.

No, the golden treat takes another spin if the bees responsible have been munching down on Atropa belladona, also known as deadly nightshade, which is neither a misnomer nor a clever name. Belladonna is one of the most toxic plants on the planet. But when synthesized through the bee’s natural chemical factory you end up with psychoactive nightshade honey (which totally sounds like the name of a bad industrial band but in actuality is probably worse for your health).

Honey and having an awesome time have been inextricably linked since the dawn of creation. Almost every prehistoric culture on Earth has considered honey a gift from the gods, or at the very least a fantastic topping for pancakes. Its ancient esteem should come as no surprise seeing as how it must have taken a man (or woman, we’re not here to play favorites) with balls the size of the Bronze Age to look at a swarming beehive and decide the bastards were hiding something tasty. This was possibly the same person that first decided to eat a pineapple.

Still, not as bad as Nic Cage Honey.

In small doses, nightshade honey is known to cause euphoria and altered perception, notably enhancing perception of geometric shape, which we assume means that you will start to see the world as being made of blocky polygons like in Virtua Fighter.

#2.Toads

We’ve all heard the old one about licking toads. You may have even seen that kid around the playground, the one who burned down his parents’ garage trying to make crystal meth and totally saw a girl’s boobs in fourth grade, pick up a startled amphibian and lick its slimy back as if he had found it in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

Didn’t you just wish you were as cool as that guy as you stood there in your pee-stained Spider-Man tracksuit? No? Just us?

OK, but no need for regret here. According to science, licking a toad doesn’t actually do anything but make everyone around you seriously uncomfortable (the toad included). However, if you do run into a toad (specifically one of the Pokemon-named Bufo family), take note of the horn-like protrusions behind its head. Those are glands by which the toad produces its toxic payload, known as bufotoxins. In other words, this toad has poison horns, which is approximately as metal as a dragon’s cock ring.

Unfortunately, from this angle you can’t see his Danzig back tattoo.

As you have probably guessed, bufotoxins can get you seriously high, as some enterprizing space cadets discovered by squeezing the foamy goo out of the toad’s horns, drying into a film and smoking it.

The composition of bufotoxin is similar to what is found in some mushrooms, a mixture that includes both DMT and epinephrine. This basically means that a hallucinogen and an adrenergic are joining forces like Chuck Norris and Lou Gosset, Jr. in Firewalker to kick the shit out of your mind. The drug is so intense that unlike most of the entries on this list, extracting and trafficking bufotoxins is ranked right up there with heroin and cocaine on the Against-the-Law-O-Meter.

#1. Scorpions

Like snakes, spiders and Queen Latifah, scorpions are something most of us can agree are better off left in the depths of our nightmares, or on German pop stations. Being repeatedly stung by scorpions is one of the levels of Hell observed by Dante, right? But what’s that? Some people actually sting themselves with scorpions on purpose? For fun?

And voluntarily saw Beauty Shop? What the fuck?

Yes. Yes, they do. While the venom of most scorpions is relatively harmless to humans (merely causing skin irritation not unlike a mosquito bite or bee sting), some species of scorpion contain powerful neurotoxins. These particular poisons play all sorts of havoc with neural receptors. Imagine letting a five-year-old play with a whole city’s traffic lights for a day, except in your brain.

But, as we’ve seen, the line between poison and narcotic is thin and fuzzy. Here the venom often causes a massive release of serotonin, making the venom operate a lot like an opiate, which is a drug more commonly found along avenues that don’t involve willful mutilation at the hands of a cold, unfeeling arachnid.

“I don’t give a shit.”

The effects can be quite similar to heroin. Sadly, this means that it is not unheard of for junkies to wander off into the desert looking for scorpions to sting themselves with to stave off withdrawals a little longer.

Get a job, you fucking junkies!

This may or may not be healthier than heroin (we’re pretty sure there’s no danger in sharing scorpions, but if you’re depending on one of the harshest-looking predators in existence for your high we assume hepatitis is not a major concern for you), but either way we really hope nobody’s leaving used scorpions lying around playgrounds. That’s just dirty pool.

(credit- Dan Stewart)

Inside fever

2009-08-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Spherical Mattress

A Gun on his hip

I finally got a hold of my dad's old video camera.
It's perfect.
Now All I need to find is the damn charger for it.
Can't be too hard.

"Buddy, you're getting pretty drunk. You look like you're at sea, a bit. Like, the sea on valium. You're eyes are like clotheslines, you could hang a sweater from that stare. You talk like you're already throwing up, like you're afraid the words might slip back down your throat. You're checking your pockets for your consonants. You're holding a speaker up to one ear like a pillow or an important call. You're dismissing everyone for offenses they haven't committed, you're flitting your wrist in such a way I can't tell if you think we're snobs or whether you're being a snob. I think even your clothes want to get away from you, and by the looks of things, you're starting to think you'll help them. You're poking the fire, you're whacking a tree with a stick, you're yelling like you just invented yelling. You're talking about swimming and everyone is just trying to be quiet to see if you can still be affected by your surroundings. You're on the diving board, and you're looking at the water, and now you're hovering above the water. The lights of the pool are blue, they're lighting your face from below, as you're hovering there in mid-air, and..oh. You're a demon. Okay, you're a demon. My bad. It's all good. Good times."

.

2009-08-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today I figured something out.
I'm attracted to people who are expressive with their hands when they're engaged in conversation. It's kind of weird, because it bothers me when my mom does it. I literally stop her midway a sentence and tell her to stop swinging around her arms while she's describing her grocery list.

One conversation that stands out in fourth grade was this boy, I forgot his name. He was Jewish and his mom would always make him wear navy blue knit vests. Nobody liked this kid because he lied a lot. Actually one specific lie I remember was when when said he got sea monkies and dumped them in the toilet for a day. When he checked the next day they turned into mermaids. Everyone rolled their eyes including myself, but to this day I've kept the curiosity in my system and when I do run into sea monkies, I'm tempted to buy them solely on the fact that I want to put them in the toilet for a day.

Anyways.
Hands.

Yes, He was expressive. Once when it was his turn to clean the cursive letters off of the projector he asked to go to the rest room. As he was saying it he made gestures with his hands. The thing was, his hands were moving as if he was giving directions to someone. I will always remember that.

angry disposition

2009-08-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

"Fuck you all, I want to be by my self."
"Now, wheres the rum?"

It was funny.
The beginning of the week started off with multiple options, all working out at positive angles. I get a job and now everything's complicated. I can't go to the free press thing Saturday because I work. Friday I get off at 5, so at least that's salvaged. I don't know what to do exactly but I'll figure it out. You do have more fun being spontaneous. I don't want to spend any more time in the condo though. Not the option I'm looking for. I was locked up there, drunk, and with multiple strangers far too long. I need to be outside. With good friends and good company. Being as loud as I want, when I want.

I need to be home sometime too. I need to enjoy it. I've been home, though. Most of it was spent LOCKED OUT, and driving. I want to be in a towel, and look really disgusting, and put on great music and nap. Maybe bake a cake. Camping sounds incredible. I can take a couple of days with out showering, really. Baked beans and s'mores! Holy fuck.

Anyways, Sunday I'm off. Which I remember liking a lot when I was previously working.
Changing the subject.

You know something that's always caught my interest is the whole subject of tension.
It's like what fills in a void of unspoken/settled arguments and what you discuss with other people turns into that energy that sticks to you and collides with the reciprocating subject. And they know, oh do they know. One thing I've learned in the past couple of months is that when you have an issue with someone, but havent told them yet, they most likely know. I'm serious. I don't know who lied and told everyone that eveyone else was stupid and emotionally blind.

I know. It's bothering me.
I cheated and read my horoscope about this month and yes.
I saw it coming.
I didn't expect it to be you though.

Call me a girl, I am one.

As for the other one.
I love you, I'm selfish and I'll pay you back those ten bucks asap.

One last thing,
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS.
LETS DRIVE TO MEXICO.

There are people in the next room.

2009-07-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

Cleaning services? My dad's got it going on. The seaside is great I've become close friends with

Lemon cake!

And of course.

There's been a lot going on. Too much to type for my tired mind right now. But rest assured I will go on and on about it soon enough.

say que?!

2009-07-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little foolish,
I thought I was going to die in my last journal entry.
I even ended it with a "Good bye" instead of a "Yours truly".
I wont go into details but...
yeah
feeling foolish

I'm absolutely obsessed with King Missile.

Crickets in my ear.

2009-07-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

I want to just roll around in the sand.

Get up.
And run to the sea.

Dressed from head to toe.
Or completely nude.
It's one extreme or the next.

?

2009-07-09T12:33:00.001-07:00

"What would be my, how should I call it, spontaneous attitude towards the universe? It's a very dark one. The first one, the first thesis would have been: a kind of total vanity. There is nothing, basically. I mean it quite literally. Like, ultimately there are just some fragments, some vanishing things, if you look at the universe it's one big void. But then how do things emerge? Here, I feel a kind of spontaneous affinity with quantum physics. Where, you know, the idea there is that the universe is kind of a void, but a positively charged void. But then particular things appear when the balance of the void is disturbed, and I like this idea spontaneously very much. The fact that it's not just nothing, things are out there, it means something went terribly wrong. That what we call creation is a kind of a cosmic imbalance, cosmic catastrophe. That things exist by mistake. And I'm even ready to go to the end and to claim that the only way to counteract it is to assume the mistake and go to the end, and we have a name for this; it's called love. Isn't love precisely this kind of a cosmic imbalance? I was always disgusted with this notion of "I love the world", "universal love". I don't like the world, I don't know how I--uh--I'm basically somewhere in between "I hate the world" and "I'm indifferent towards it". But the whole of reality, it's just it, it is stupid, it's out there, I don't care about it. Love for me is an extremely violent act. Love is not "I love you all". Love means, I pick out something and--it's again this structure of imbalance. Even if this something is just a small detail, a fragile individual person, I say, "I love you more than anything else." In this quite formal sense, love is evil."

I got a call back for a job interview!
Exciting.
Now I just need to buy slacks.

"By george, the rain isn't cutting my end of the bargain."

2009-07-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Give AM radio a chance sometime.
It's great when you land on the Arabic station and the song is
A M A Z I N G
after it's over you're left wondering how you can google
"Ehhhbara ehumptah feeshena, yapori!"
Funny things.

Anyways, fourth of July was alright, I got on a seesaw for the first time in about 11 years. Too bad Eric weighs like... nothing. At one point we ended up in some neighborhood that was in the midst of being developed. We drove to the end of a street, where there was this (I don't want to call it a field, because it was basically sand and bugs)acreage of vacant land, and we just sat for a while and smoked, trying to watch the fireworks. Great view, actually. Even greater sound projection! I got the feeling of being right there. During warfare. Let me make you aware of this, fireworks sound like cannons in altered states of mind.

On a more grim note,
I've been forced to conform to the man and make a resume.
Actually, to be honest, it looks pretty damn good. I'm proud of it even!
Sure, most of it is bullshit
but
it is bullshit with very impressive vocabulary!
I need a job.

Badly.

I don't remember who I've told, but I'm leaving to live in Germany for three months starting September. Or those are the plans anyways. I am to stay longer but thanks to court in January, I have to come back.
I could always be a fugitive...
OH!
And apparently, I had a warrant out for my arrest.
My mom had to post a bond for me to get out of it.

So now I owe her 600.
Great.

I've already got an offer for a clerical position downtown in a law office.
10ph, sounds grand. Full time. That's pretty good money. I'm having seconds thoughts about Germany... well Germany now. Germany in spring break seems promising. Besides that way I can skip all the cold months!

I'm thinking impulsively.
stop it.
okay okay
back to learning guitar!
C U l8ter
...
see how lame that was Noe?
inside joke inside joke

shopping list

2009-06-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ignore this.
kind of a note to self.

-Blank Cds
-Mandarin Oranges
-Paper Bags
-Sun screen
-Sharpies

Well

2009-06-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Noah's mom caught us watching porn today.
It's not like we were enjoying it.
Sheesh.

I had to ride my bike over, which was nice.
There's just something about the way the sun feels on your back, yknow?

Krista was on the phone with him and so after I had clicked on the red X, his mom dove into the restroom. Noah did a shitous job at telling krista what happened in french.
"Krista, ma mere... le peid... uh... regarde... pornographie."
And we all laughed.

Tomorrow they're coming to fix the garage door.
The whole thing's turned into a joke.
I had this conversation today

"Were you drunk???"
"No, you haven't been hanging out with me recently, have you?"

I have to wake up at 6 am to bike ride to the gas station to get my cigarettes. I have enough money to spoil myself, so I'll probably indulge in something name brand haha.

"Vee high zen zee"

2009-06-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

"Their voices flail like children who know they'll never die, it occurs to me that youth isn't always wasted on the young. This is an old cliche, about how kids can never really appreciate the finer aspects of immaturity-- in fact, it's their immaturity and naivety that all the gray adults crave like zombies. It's a child's lack of self-conscience and "common sense" that make them holy, just as it's an adult's knowledge of their own mortality that makes them a little bit dead. However, even if the sickly, aching adults might long for days spent wasting precious time and forgetting precious lessons, most of them wouldn't turn back the clock if given the chance. Youth isn't wasted on the young at all, because only kids on holiday could afford to leave their hearts exposed for so long, to sing as loudly and to take so much for granted. Rather, wisdom is wasted on the old."

"How bad was the crash?"
"Let me put it this way I ran over the treadmill and my bike."
"Damn you must've rammed that thing like your turkish porn star rams the turkish hairy vajay."

ant bites

2009-06-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

I can feel warm inside, smiles creeping up to my teeth, projecting from my eyes.
Like the feeling of running.
Or sudden breezes.
I run into sprinklers every chance I get.
Like the feeling of a good song.
Or a sudden realization, the feeling of clarity.

I keep taking walks in the sun, day dreaming what it would be like to walk around shirtless. How nice it would feel, and I look around to see if anyone is watching me, consider it for about 3 seconds but I never do it.

I am in love with life.
Pure blissful motherfucking love.

I want to plant a garden, some where completely random, but take care of it daily.
I'll look into this tomorrow.

A little drunk.

2009-06-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

You know, something funny has been happening to me recently.
It's kind of embarrassing but i thought I'd share.
So somehow, sometimes I just get these dirty but humorous phrases pop into my head.
And I could be sitting with my family around the table, or having a conversation and they'll make me laugh or smile.
It's stuff like "I want to smack your nuts." Or the infamous "Slap it on your face a little bit."
Hahaha, It might be the porn I'm watching.

"I need to go out, meet people. I need to stop watching porn."
"Hahaha, do you only watch straight porn?"
"Well yeah."
"Ew."
"Shit some of it's funny as hell, some of it's pretty good, OH! There's this one guy! I need to send you that link. Actually I think that's why I like (insert anonymous name here) so much, he looks alot like this guy! I think he's Russian though, I never know what he's saying but he looks damn good saying it."
"Oh! You like (anonymus) because of your porn star crush! How funny!"
"Oh I know! How big do you think (anonymus) is?"
"I bet he's small, plus he's a druggie so he's probably hairy as fuck. You know they dont take care of themselves, or trim."
"God yeah."
"Oh, but yeah this porn star! There's this one video, ohhh it's so good. He isnt even stuffing this girl. They're just being affectionate in the shower. That's what I want!"
"Don't we all."

Fucking Noah.
I lubb jew, mejican."

On another note, I drove my mom's Mercedes through the garage door.
I'll be doing alot of bike riding from here on out.
Cleaning therapy sure helps me though.
I was sobbing the whole time.
Windex and Weep.

-

2009-06-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept a wink.
Not one. I don't know how it happened.
I 'went' to bed at around 1 or 2? Anyways, I started reading. Shortly thereafter, I went for a walk and a smoke. I get back, and it's 7:44.

Impossible.
I don't feel all that great so, I decided to do what I do best when these, worst of moods, come around. Cleaning therapy! I got the whole bathroom clean, and now moving on to the living quarters. I can feel the sleep creeping in though. I don't know if it is that, part of me, doesn't want to sleep. Or just can't.
Shit.

Zzz

2009-06-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep at two am.
Woke up at seven.
The day before that I went to bed at three and woke up at seven forty-four.

This heat.

I don't even feel awake.
I feel like I'm watching myself, living.
Washing dishes.
Smoking.
Eating.
Self aware but at the same time,
it's like my physical self is just on it's daily routine,
completely separated from my mental recognition.

My eyes feel heavy.
Almost as heavy as my feet.

Father's day

2009-06-21T14:24:00.001-07:00

Not much to update.
I bought a new journal.
This can only mean good news.

Besides that, I'm learning German already.
I've got a chance to go live there with my aunt and her family for 6 months or so.
It's in the works.
But more on that later.

I need a cigarette.
and some water.
It's too hot for anything.
I just want to sleep and puke.
Then roll over and do it again.

"Hey Puto"

2009-06-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

There's something about cursing in Spanish that gets to me.

I don't know what it is but I like it.

Anyways, tomorrow's father's day and I still have yet to get him his Portuguese/English dictionary and Soduku book. My mom's getting him an ipod, which would be a good idea seeing as how he's using my old nano from... 06? He's lost it twice in public places, and had it returned which explains the condition it's in. No one would steal a piece of shit, right? Besides he's got all these beegee's and queen montages, which also explains my love for cheesy 70's disco while drunk. No one can dance like I can when, Marvin Gaye and a bottle of Patron is present.

I recently read my birth date profile in a book called, The Secret Language of Birthdays. "March 6, The day of the beauty lovers." Interesting. It was spot on, concerning some areas. I'm highly interested in senses. Sight, sounds, textures, tastes. Recently I've been wondering about animals and how they perceive what we can't. What the 'it' would be, that we don't perceive. How it feels to sit on a blade of tall grass. To look down from a power line. What hunger feels like when you have two stomachs. The low pitched sounds elephants make, we cant decipher. Things like that. What a man's memory would be if he lost his sight as a child. Would he hold on to what his mother looked like? Or would it fade with time, just as it does for us? Pictures hold time still. We don't see age happening, which is stupid because it's as constant as your heart beat, unless looking at it from a still point i.e. the day you were born. Anyways, the rest was the usual generalization of stereotypical astrological grounds, I'm ruled by the planet Venus and the number 6, which is ironically associated with love. It said I had a sententious side, I needed to be aware of and use it to my advantage once controlled. HA. Look up your own. Even if you don't buy into it. It's interesting, I assure you. I actually tried out being a little more promiscuous recently. Which ties into something else I'd like to cover actually! I was smoking a cigarette while driving the other day and caught this older man watching me. He didn't turn away when I met his gaze and neither did I. It didn't feel like some kind of challenge though. If you could even call that emotion challenging... but I felt in power and inhaled away. He sat there in his golden Nissan Maxima, hands at 3 and 10, he had a nice head of hair so I'm guessing he was in his late thirties? Early forties? Out of the corner of my eye the light turned green he was still there with this look of dumbfoundment. The car behind him honked, so i took another drag smiled and exhaled as he drove away. I hope he went home to the mother of his childern and felt unsatified with the life he is leading. I don't know what made me feel so bitter about this situation. I'm trying to look deeper into that. But yes, window car watching! I hated driving on so many highways on the way to the airpot. I felt like a blood cell. I complatetly understand the analogy of highways being veins and car's being blood cells or atoms, what ever it is they feed us in gradeschool. I could see it so clearly yesterday. I felt like i was this insignificant dot in a machine. No name, no personality just... "Exibit A- prototype C- Minor class 4", or some shit. I needed to get out of the car and walk around. We drove past all these people, I'll probably never see in my life again. I tried saring some down, trying to see what reactions I'd get out of differnt people like women and children yknow? But highways are so much more impersonal that common streets. There's no red light to light up a cigarette. Exhaling is much more focused on trying not to ash and the cherry falling in your back seat because of the rate of speed your accelarating. I did see a woman crying though. That was a trip. I kept thinking what might've happened to her. The stories I came up with got more and more rediculous the more I looked at her, because she seemed to get more and more histeric. It's the machine. I'm telling you.

The more cigarettes I smoke I cant get the taste of out of my mouth.

Oh jesus

2009-06-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus
jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus
jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus
jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus
jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus
jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus

Mozilla believes that there is a typo on 'jesus' because it isn't capitalized.
Funny how things work.

Last night my phone kept giving off this yellow light, which woke me up around three thinking there was a thunderstorm I was missing.

I'm starving.
I want to cook breakfast.
That's what I'll do.

I've been spending a lot of time outdoors and the more sunburnt I get the oilier my face looks. It isn't a big deal, but I just notice these things. Woman. Sorry?

I've been thinking alot about

2009-06-15T20:29:00.001-07:00

Snipers.
That and getting shot through the back of the head.
A real clean shot.
It isn't for a particular reason, it's just that sound.
Pfffffft.
Clean.
Like the sound a pencil makes against a ruler.
Or when you've got that pair of good scissors, that cut in a glide.
And how the hair moves when gravity takes its toll on your head and you dive nose first into your cereal or soup.
That actually sounds good right now, soup.
I hope we have tomato.

I feel like I should be doing something.
I don't know what, but it's nagging at me.

Somehow the TV sounds a lot closer that it is.
My perception of sound/direction is way off for some reason.
The television is clearly in my mother's room, but I hear it outside of my window to my right. I don't know if I can sleep here tonight and stay level headed.

I'll go for a walk in a bit, cigarette.

When I get older, I want to move around a lot. Not staying for too long in a specific place. And I want to lie. A lot. Every new place I'll go, I've got a new name, birthplace, six month apartment lease, lovers, siblings. Putting on accents all depending on spontaneity. Do you know how lost I would turn out in the end? That's one hell of a psychotic trauma waiting to happen.

Fuck I need a job.
Oh!
Oh!
Someone promise to take me Tango dancing next Sunday.
Please. And we can dress all fancy, and you can slick your hair back and wear slacks, and I'll get all sexy, and put on some lipstick and we can tango the shit out of the second floor of that avantgarden place. Just an Idea. Sounds like fun. Maybe a little whiskey? Something warm with ice.

Redline

2009-06-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep and that's all I want to do.

I love the close up's.

The storm

2009-04-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

It stormed real bad this morning!
Hail and everything,
the noise coming from the roof and my windows rattling woke me up around three am.
I went out side for a bit with my dad to just watch it. I don't remember how I wound up there, but I woke up around 10 on the couch. It was a good day to live in the suburbs. Schools canceled, I still have yet to withdraw, so I guess I'll be doing that tomorrow morning.

Ever since I had blood drawn, I've been feeling ants all over me.
On my face, my neck, behind my ears.
Arms, hands, fee, legs, knees.
Everywhere.
My arm started bruising where they drew it,
makes me look like some kind of junkie fiend.
Just another excuse to wear a sweater!

I haven't had a cigarette since Friday.
Maybe that's it.

the highlight of my day

2009-04-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

I would have to say the highlight of my day was between performing an interpretive dance to what the orchestra was practicing in the band/art hallway or using an empty can of ice tea as a microphone and pretending to have an "open mike" night with Noah. We started making songs and creating all these situations out of no where. I don't know what it is about us when we're together but we always act really out of character. Literally. Last week we took turns in his creative writing class pretending to be older people, in a nursing home. I had to wipe peaches of his chin.

Tomorrow will be my last day of highschool.
Well of highschool IN a highschool.
That doesn't make sense.
I will be a drop out officially for about a day until I begin my online course work.

yadda yadda yadda

?

2009-04-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

My parent's keep prank calling each other from cell phones in different room.
This is what goes on while I'm at school.

My dad just tried to sell my mom rugs over the phone, and when she felt spiteful she tried to make him feel like an asshole by answering the phone as "Hello! Cleaning service!"
Nice family.

solved

2009-04-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

stayed home today, again.
nice day out, bike ride!

you know,
I think I know what my problem is.
I go into everything I do with a fair amount of good intentions.
I don't "walk over the little people" or any of that 7-step, self-help, book bullshit.
I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I mean, I have before of course
but it's just a mess,
not as gratifying as when you accomplish something honestly.
I just don't think I'm that selfish, to just bring a person down and then completely forget about it. Apparently that's how the world works? Survival of the fittest. Fucking Herbert Spencer and Darwin.

Barnabe's napping on my coffee table.
I need to get rid of it, the coffee table.
That's where I'm putting my hammock.

Yesterday I realized how much of a fool I've made myself out to be for the past three years. I think you always know, you're just so caught up in it all that you just choose to ignore it. I'm selling my wooden pipe, and i'm seriously questioning selling my bong. I think it's time to let go.

I overheard a couple of people talking amongst themselves. They where having a pretty interesting conversation over the concept of ignorance in minorities, it seemed like they were genuine about it. The problem was how obvious it was that both of them had no idea what they where talking about. The conversation kept running in circles, leading nowhere. But they sat and talked, and talked, and talked and it started to make me laugh at all this high potency of bullshit that was lost words in the air. I kept questioning everything they said to a point where I got up and walked away. Bullshit attracts bullshit, or gullibility which is way worse, but that doesn't necessarily apply to this. These people are in the masses of "intellectual's" you see running off with their parent's money. Ha.

Smoking pot does not make you an intellectual, reading doesn't necessarily make you an intellectual, that'd be like me reading the Koran and claiming to be knowledgeable in all things Muslim, although reading does happen to create insightful concepts perhaps you've never thought of or considered, discussing ideas or problems doesn't make you an intellectual just really fucking whiny BUT thought process, and the way you present what you know and what you believe, how you carry out that thought in the way you live (speaking in generalities) does. Life experience does. Insightfulness does. Perception.

Fuck you and act your age.

.

2009-04-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Over privileged motherfuckers and your drugs."

extraordinary

2009-04-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

I got bit by ants today
On earth day, ironic
It isn't as bad as I remember
Thinking it over,
it had been a couple of years since that happened
I guess it's one of those things you don't think about until it happens,
like food stains

I also found out that my french teacher is missing a toe tip.
It's clean off
I think she saw me staring at it today
her feet were hidden under the overhead for the next 45 minutes of class

uneventful day

2009-04-21T16:43:00.001-07:00

besides the weather, nothing much went on.
I took a nap in a doctors office and woke up with neck pains and to my foot snoozing.
I hate when that happens, you don't realize you're wearing shoes until you look down and prove it to your self.

I've been really into Sonic Youth, Ciccone Youth, Wavves, Ducktails, No Age and Siouxie and the banshees. Hmmm.

I'm leaving Morton in a week or so to do online school.
I'm a "at-my-own-pace" kind of girl, I'm assuming.
Graduating early, pssh what's a week?
Freedom my friend.
Lot's of covered terrain, lot's of mileage.

Oh, fuck character analysis, fuck Macbeth, fuck english.
phew.

trust

2009-04-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

five months.
that's how long it took me to gain well-earned trust back.

I'm job hunting, starting tomorrow.

home again

2009-04-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

I went to school twice last week.
I didnt go today.
It's not like I plan staying home, yknow?

I want to meet more people who's face seems drawn on their head.
People with thin lips do this to me.
It's not a very good explanation of what I'm exactly trying to portray.
Face like paper.
Teeth like cymbals.

It's 4/20
I've come along way.
My weed is safely tucked in my down coat pocket
and will stay that way for a while.

I had a new puppy for about half an hour
then they took him back.
I'm such a goon I cried.

Settled

2009-04-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've done it, finally settled on an Arabic tattoo.
Today I hit up Chinatown with Eric. We had quite the experience and even quite the more drinks. I found some Indonesian cd's for my granddad at half price books along with a Bill hick's album, which is nothing less than righteous! The rest of my money was well spent on cigarettes. Anyways the visit to the "Hong Kong city mall" was just as Eric discribed "we're completely out of our element", the whole place had a pungent smell of lobsters or... fish, but it wasn't bothersome. Maybe a bit comforting? I'm still a bit drunk AND tired, so goodnight more explanation tomorrow.

mornings around here

2009-04-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Watching Up in smoke. Reminds me of good times.

I'm listening to my granddad play the guitar

2009-04-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

This mint tea is good.
He also sings in the shower, my granddad.
I'm glad I caught that this morning.
Speaking of mornings, i had quite the interesting one. I woke up around 6:45, wanting to sleep in ofcourse so I tried pulling the sick card on the parentals. Usually they fall for it but we got another court warning for my attendance. Hmmm.
So i left to school, still pulling the whole miserable look. I went in the shirt I slept in, no contacts, no make up and if I wouldn't have been so uncommited I probably wouldn't brushed my teeth but I did. Anyways, we saw Noah walking on the drive to school, picked him up and went our way. My first thought was to go to balser's (the nurse) throw a tantrum and tell her how much I felt like shit. But Noah enticed my cigarette craving with what seemed to be a Red Hundred. It might have been a 'Smoke One', the rescission yknow? Anyways, we walked towards the parking lot and coincidentally ran into jackie and her car. Hopped in, smoked. By this time first period had started, I quicky remembered I had bought a diet coke the previous day for detention, I had forgotten it in my backpack over night. Nothing says up-chuck like warm diet coke, chugged down in less that a minute. So on the walk back I chugged it, and kept gagging at how disgusting it was. Try it sometime. Finally everyone parted ways, jackie went to eco? noah went to government? and I headed towards a trash can to gt rid of my evidence. I took the last sip and ran to the nurse's. Didn't say a word, I ran straight to the restroom she had in there, with my hand over my mouth and a look of desperation on my brow. As i shut the door, I head "I hope you have a pass!" and I said "Ijus'gothere" and once in the restroom, i let out the biggest burp and made gagging noises, the burps kept coming. Good sound effects. I got out of the restroom and told her I was dying, as I usually tell her. She told me to call my mom, which I did after the second time I ran for the restroom out of impulse, i know its bad, but I felt like a good actress and I wanted to believe she was 110% convinced. I sat in the purple chair and called my house telling them I needed to come home. In the mean while I took a nap in those cots I know to well. Mr. Taylor the Ap came in with Doug to make him shave, and told me to keep my distance because he didn't want the "heebie Jeebies". Really? This guy is usually such an asshole to me. Now he using toddler terms. Anyways mi madre came to get me, and I came straight back into bed. Around 10:40 I woke up to my granddad singing in the shower.

I like it when the sun shines through your eyelashes.
Yknow? Does that even make sense. I'm sure this has happened to everyone more than 6 times in their life time but I might not be explaining this right.
Either way.

Today I will be productive and
-Put those shelves on my wall.
-Launder.
-Fix this shit hole I call my room.

----------------------------
I wish things were as easy as buttons on tape recorders.

You know what's funny, all year around you always have something you'd like in mind, but when ever those special occasions come around as say, birthdays or Christmas you don't know what the hell you want. I think it's mostly those ideas are saved for "big gifts" you don't hear many people asking for a new deck of cards on christmas all I wanted was an ash tray, and i got it. Kind of.
I want a horse.
The problem is this is very possible.

Ive been discovering alot of new music recently.
I had to delete the woodstock movie off my ipod. That was a pain, but three hours worth of space does me good.

Dyslexia

2009-04-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

"tinky poe"
Today was filled with discovery, and wrong turns, great coincidences.
Five hours.
Five.
Awsome.

On our way!

Ha, eric was talking!

We found a bridge on our walk!

Spider web!

It was then that I realized, "Fuck I dropped my cigarettes on the walk to the bridge. So back we walked. I'm telling you this happens often.

Ha ha ha

Then we discovered my recently lost cigarettes NEXT TO THE PACK I LOST LAST SUNDAY. I kid you not! We took it as a good sign!

Breakfast!

Dirty fucking shoes at 7am

Fidgeting with the ipod.

Then we busted out the mangos.

Talented.

Then we came across the weirdest fishes out of water, all gutted.

Posin' haha!

More gutted fish. They really where everywhere...

Then we went down a small path that led off the trail

and ended up finding this:

A little further down, we found this!

We walked down another path

AND FOUND

We walked and walked... and walked until we came up to this happy camper.

Then... we crossed the water. It was an absolute challenge but we made it. Kind of.

:)To make a story short, we drove back to eric's hosed ourselves down and ate pizza.
good day good day.

My 11:11

2009-04-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

wishes have gone from specifics to
"I want to be happy."

I'm okay with that.

Here's the plan for tomorrow.
I'm ditching school and Eric and I are going to attempt to catch sunrise in the new spot.
We'll see.
I'll definitely take pictures of our sleepy asses at 6:30 in the morning.
goodnight!

one day

2009-04-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

(If your squemimish you should probably skip the video, just FYI)

I want to have an extraordinary little boy.
with a plain name.
like Jack, something single syllabled.
and i'll let him run around necked
and i'll dress him up in tiger suits, if he wants
and i'll pretend with him we're on an expedition
and i'll let him grow his hair out long
and i'll play good music for him
and i'll let him run around in bare feet
and i'll own some land he can get into all kinds of trouble in somewhere in the country
and i'll take him sailing on the weekends
and I wont get mad if he comes home covered in mud, with a stray dog, or a frog
and i'll teach him how to whistle
and i'll teach him how to snap his fingers

and i'll make him call me "mama"
like a good southern boy

Absolutely the most moving thing I've seen in a while.

I slept in.

2009-04-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Again, for the most part they aren't pissed. They just gave me a lecture on responsibility and time. They DIDN'T find it funny however, when I made the argument that time is relative to position and location. I said I'd be about 5 hours early if I was in Malaysia.
"Well, you're here in Texas. And you aren't smart, so don't try to be."
words of encouragement.
Anyways, I'll take today to clean my room because it really is a disaster area.
I need to go buy new flowers.

I wonder who found my cigarettes.
I'm going to start writing my name on all my packs.
Just so people know who to thank.
I lose those too often.

bueno

2009-04-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

sis around the sandmill (forward)

Today

2009-04-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

the weather was absolutely perfect.
Pretty hectic day with the family, but I got the last two hours to myself.
I hung out with Eric for a good hour and a half.
We met up at the usual spot then picked up some starbucks and ran off to George Bush park, trying to catch the last glimpse of daylight.
Too bad, there was a line at the 'bucks.
We ended up going at night, which was kind of a rape risk ha, but intriguing as well.
the sky was so clear!

I've been seeing the moon out during the day for the past week.
When I point it out everyone seems to ask if I'm high.
"No. I'm serious."

We had a good walk and a good talk and we ran back home.
I lost my cigarettes along the path way, looking on the bright side it'll make someone's day tomorrow.

I really want to skip school, but I can't afford it anymore.
I'm on a good streak yknow?

I'll be riding my bike to school now, seeing as I don't have a parking pass and they booted my car Thursday. I sort of forgot the combination to the bike chain, but it can't be that hard? 6,4,2? 6,2,4? It was something like that. Who'd want to steal a pink bike? I'll probably write my name in permanent marker all over it before I leave home tomorrow. I need to ride to valero early for some smokes.
Oh well.

bill hicks is hot shit.

2009-04-04T21:23:00.001-07:00

"Hicks used a ribald approach to express his material, describing himself as "Chomsky with dick jokes."

Davida

2009-04-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm watching old spanish movie with my granddad. Well I'm watching them, he's sort of listening in on them. I don't understand much of the age old spanish humor, but out of habit I'm laughing at all the parts he's laughing at. Watching him eat is very saddening. I guess it's cool, in a way not knowing what to expect next. But the over all idea of becoming blind in general must be a harsh reality of age. We walked out of the apartment where my aunt is staying and I took his hand trying to lead him, in away but also letting him led me, not trying to mock his judgement of intuition and they way to the car. I know I would want the same treatment. We talked about his flight, and how he was hungry. Then I mentioned it looked like rain. Which it did in central Houston, on the other hand it might've been the smog. Either way, he started to describe how he saw things.

Right now, he's describing the actors in the movie, BY VOICE!
What a talent.
Anyways.

He told me everything seemed smokey and he rather not wear his glasses than have them on, because of comfort reasons. It pained me to watch him feel around for his fork at dinner. I remember him at a younger age, when we lived by Richmond and I was in one of those baby pools, and he'd sit there telling me all these stories, about my dad and his childhood, his own childhood, fairy tales, riddles. Oh the riddles where the best. If anyone could tell a story, it's my granddad. Today for example he told us of the time my dad was 10 and stuck a cat in a box for a secret santa to a girl who he had despised for some kind of heartbreak. Fun stuff.

enough.

If I've learned anything this week it has to be that sometimes the things we want aren't nesscarily what's best for you. I won't say "good" because who's to say what's good...or bad?
And the effort it takes to realize takes alot more out of you than what I innitally thought it would, but seeing how accepting the idea in your head is only half the battle, I think I'm doing pretty good. Everything is an option, as simple as left and right, hot and cold, black and white, sweet or sour. We just over analyze situations and people. I think I'd like things to be a lot more simple yknow? If we want to get a point across why can we not? Why can't we express feeling without thinking of a consequence? Or a reciprocated reaction? And then you find people who have this thought process and arent taken serious for shit. When do we find this balance of descression and discernment? I want to concentrate on me, my friends. I want to be outside, on my bike smoking a cigarette. Drinking something warm and happy. Reading. Under shade in the sun. Maybe camp out. Doesn't that sound good? I want to go to the market tomorrow. I want to see if i can find a second rate keybord and find a place to keep it in my room. Maybe some clothes.

Speaking of.
On love by Ortega y Gasset is absolutely ingenius!
At one point love is compared to translucent dragonfly wings.
How love is "perhaps the supreme activity which nature affords anyone for going out of himself towrds something else. It does not gravitate towords me, but I towards it."
The quotes are just endless, and I'm starting to think I want to highlight everything that leaves some impression on me. It really is a beautiful book.

I do this weird thing

2009-03-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

where I like to look at pictures of people I don't know and imagine the couple moments after the flash and the poses, if that makes sense. I imagine the conversation they where in the middle of, because there ALWAYS is one. I imagine them complaining about blinking or how their view point was off. How they decided to stand, as in the placement.

just a little thing I do.

I want to go there too.

2009-03-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

New spot found in George Bush park.

Conveniently close to home.

I swear to god the place is damn near magical under the right weather conditions.

Would've taken pictures, but jess was high and I was drunk so bringing the camera along without the strap didn't sound very safe. I need to start going to BCIS. I haven't been to my seventh period since last wednesday, due to various variables that shape out the last thirty-something minutes of school, like a couple smokes, the company, or just that my teacher really hates her job and makes it very clear to us. Sure, I get it, but rolling your eyes at the question if excel REALLY is a database and then mocking me for it is really what they're paying you for.

I haven't been writing in my journal. I keep forgetting it around the house. My parent's are being honorable and not reading it, or maybe they have? Doesn't really worry me to much. That would explain this sudden rush of freedom they've been handing me since I decided to stop smoking.

Either way, things are working out.

I've been drunk driving alot though.

I'm real good at it, actually.

Which is funny, because my horoscope today was:

" You are dancing out on a high wire today, and making a very dangerous act appear perfectly safe. Your apparent lack of fear might be linked to denial, yet keeping negative thoughts out of your head for a while is a smart idea. Unfortunately, your unchecked imagination can be an active breeding ground for uncertainty now, so keep your thoughts connected to the mundane physical world while working your special brand of magic. "

I wonder.

Well, today I was informed I passed all my TAKS testing, which is very good!

I killed two birds with one stone and slipped into an Assistant principal's office to write me a recommendation for college. They asked "To where?" and Since I didn't know how to respond I just said "In general, I just want to know how great you think I am. Be honest. If you think I'm shit, I'll at least want you to put some feeling in it."

I feel like i haven't gotten enough sleep lately, and the problem is I have. I mean, I know I have. I take naps in class, in the nurses, at home. I sleep alright, haven't been tossing and turning or anything like that. But I guess it all feels real... scheduled?

Yeah. I mean, I can't remembered the last time I enjoyed sleeping.

Wait, yeah I do. It was last last sunday, I took a nap in the car facing the sun. It was hot inside.

I got drunk this morning. Not purposefully. Things just got a little out of hand, let's just say a little went along way. I stumbled to the nurse's after being asked the warm up in my wildlife class.

"Caroline what are four types of fish?"

"carp."

"yes?"

"Catfish, bass, and trout."

"good good."

"fuck this, can I go to the nurse?"

I felt it really bad when I stood up to say the pledge of allegiance.

Somehow noah was there, I swear to go we have ESP.

He had some backache, so while he talked to the nurse over asking if bengay could be used as lubricant, I flung myself on those puke colored cots. He made me rub it on him later on, a task in my state of mind, fun never the less, I remember telling him I wanted to rub it on his butt, then asked him if i was pretty a couple of times, made him uncomfortable by professing how much he ment to me, and lastly asking him to cuddle. We walked around, skipping homeroom as well, and I kept wishing my mom was there to hug me. After wards I went to my french class, and apparently I'm fluent when I'm drunk?

My mom bought french bread not too long ago. It's actually really good by it's self.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

I think i'll try and take a satisfying nap now. I need to open the window in my room, although the sun isn't up to it's full potential. Either way, my dad hates when I open the windows. He thinks I'm smoking in here and gets on to me for it. Oh! I didn't even get to go to tradersvillage this weekend. I know I complain alot about it, but it's only because when I usually go it's with my family and no one like to go where I want to, yknow? I keep finding interesting things every time we go back. I need to go to Ikea as well and buy wall shelves!

It's be a while.

2009-03-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a few highlights.

-I got my license.

but I already lost the temporary paper, which is pretty funny because (my mom got on to me about this last night, actually!) she says if I'm stopped while driving and don't have that that could easily assume I'm an immigrant. I don't really carry much in my purse except for a few pens, a book, markers, weed seeds, pennies, my ipod, and my cell phone. So I could get deported and there'll be this huge mix up. It would make for a great story, but REALLY what are the chances?

anyways, back on track.

-I quit smoking weed.

Shut up, I know it hasn't even been two weeks, but I'm so set on this! I'm not really going to go big into details, but if you ask i'll tell you. It's for the best I promise.

Either way I've discovered alcohol.

I like it!

I much prefer it with a lemon juice mixer, it ends up tasting like Squirt soda. Very nice!

I want to post pictures of my room.

I don't think anyone's seen my room since I've actually been putting effort into making it look nice. I'll probably get to that later.

My alarmclock is flashing 6:01am at 11:38pm

2009-03-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

The power must've went out, or someone was snooping around.
I know it wasn't me, anyways.

I havent updated much, which is funny because there's been alot going on.
I have been writing in my journal lot though.
I guess it's a "one or the other" kind of situation.

I guess i'll start with tonight.
I have this inner conflict going on.
I feel like shit, i dont know if it's because I'm bored or what.
I just have this overbearing sense of frustration.
Over what I don't know, or i might know but i can't put it into words.
If that makes sense at all?

I guess alot of the negativity i have towards parallel parking has rubbed off.
Oh thats another thing. I'm finally getting my license and everything. I made an 81 0n what would be called the "written" part of the exam. It was actually a touch screen with a telephone for a headpiece. What I found funny was that the hook to put it back, was broken on every computer. Maybe alot of pissed off failurees?

I think I'm getting addicted to running. I know it sound stupid, but really.
I didnt run today, so that might be my problem. Actually, to behonest I've ran more in the past week, and weekend than smoked. Yes! I know! Surprising. I just get this relaxation from it. I hated the cold though, i had to run indoors instead of outside. I hated that. Running outside gives off a completely different atmosphere. You just feel more accomplished I guess, you can actually seen the distnce you ran instead of red numbers glaring back at you.

Update later, I'm going to go peel an orange.

I had breakfast

2009-02-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

around 1:30 this afternoon.
I hate how the weather here varies more than my mother's menopausal mood-swings. It's completely insane. I got nothing done today, usual Saturday around here. Barnabe's been sleeping more and more in my room. I think he's getting used to the music, and he seems to like my window. He does the cutest thing, when whatever I'm playing is over, he wimpers a bit, sighs and flexes.

About the most interesting thing that happened was that my dad finally cut the sugar canes from our back yard! So good man, so good. If you never have sugar-cane, I highly suggest it.
They put everyone in a good mood this afternoon.

I've been reading The dance of life, by Havelock Ellis, online for about an hour. I need to stop starting books, and concentrating on finishing the ones I have. Bad habit.

I hate going out to eat with my folks.
I've finally picked up on their antics. My dad usually suggests where to go, and once we've sat down he complains about the service. Then he goes on for the whole dinner complaining about either how dirty the place is, how much the food sucks, if it's over-priced, how we shouldn't have parked underneath a tree, how much the lighting sucks, or how watered down his iced tea is. My mom on the other hand nit picks at everything I order. "Caroline, thats 12 dollars, you can order something better than cous cous." "Caroline, french fries? Seriously? It's after 5 honey. Do you plan on going to the gym this afternoon?" "Caroline, is that chocolate in your hands?"
OH and my favorite.
"Caroline, can I let you in on a little secret?"
"No."
"See that tomato, I read in Dr. Colbert's book that tomato is actually the leading ingrediant agaist prostate cancer. I see you've been ignoring it."
"Mom, I don't have a prostate."
"Well, it's good for you anyways."
"It's luke-warm. I hate luke-warm anything."
"Caroline..."
Shorty thereafter my dad complains about how my tomato was luke-warm.

Something he always does too is say
"If I was running this place I would hire about 4 more girls to just concetrate on... " and he goes on explaing every which way it would be BETTER off with him over looking the details of where ever we are.

I have got to get away from my parents and start complaining about other people.

It doesnt feel like a friday,

2009-02-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

It's too quiet around here.

I wake up, I'm home alone. The street lights are on, what a waste of day.
I've gotten into this weird habit of trying out new hair smells, haha.
Right now I'm using

It dries out my hair like a bitch, but I love the way it smells. I got the weirdest look today. After school, the parentals took me to help them pick out new tiles for our floor. I fell asleep in the car, but woke up two hours later and we where still driving. We ended up somewhere completely inner city houston where car dealerships hire pitbulls instead of installing security cameras. We walk in this building with all kinds of tile, and wall papers. Not my idea of fun, but what can you do. Walking around a section labled "natural stone tiles" caught my eye. They where actual smoothed down stones into square feet! Oh man they were so so cool, in all the typical rock colors too. I wondered if it would hurt more to trip and eat shit with these or staight up marble tile. The surface was smooth, but still rock like. I kept touching them with my hands, running my fingers over the little bumps. I got the idea that I should test them out and like a dumbass i took the tile off the hook, put it on the ground and step on it. I looked around to see if anyone had seen. Coast was clear. So after trying out about 5. I heard a "Can I help you?" Mortifying. I laughed and said "Just looking."
Made my day.

I did it again.

2009-02-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

I lost my glasses at school for the millionth time.
It led to an excavation of the lost and found at school. I swear man, if you ever need clothes just go to the lost and found anywhere. Most of it was shit, but I left with a bunch of paper, and a cashmere sweater. Noe found a sweater he wasn't aware was lost and a cool pair of shoes. If we would've been less picky we probably could've done off with box fulls worth of crap. There's a lot I should update on but I have to do french homework which requires cooking! I'm making Macaron's for my french class tomorrow. So we'll see how that goes.

update.
It's 12:35 in the morning and here I am preheating. Fuck my life. I had to start the stupid cookies over again at around 10 pm because my dad thought it was "stupid" to read recipes. No offense but ugh, men.
A recall on the afternoon. Eric came over, which was so good because I hadn't seen him in weeks. It was perfect timing and everything. My parents were gone, i had my stash. It was all good. After debating whether to smoke in the garage or not, because my dad had spilt some type of acid on the floor he used to clean the grease stains off our drive way, we oped to do so. Then we headed towards HEB to buy my cooking supplies. We headed to the cookie isle because Eric wanted those, frosted covered animal crackers they've apparently discontinued... I dont remember much of that just pacing around alot, and confusing a "disney princess" box of fruit snacks for the cookies we were in search of. Hey, they both have a pink box, and I can't see worth for shit with out my glasses. After we got everything else in order, we saw those candies, that are like a free for all, and 3 bucks a pound. we just grabbed a bag and ate it around the store. Oh god, the burritos. I almost forgot, we bought burritos! H E A V E N. I swear. Afterwards, we dropped our supplies home, and decided for donuts. We both agreed pink glaze and sprinkles. Hell yes. I bought a milk, as well.

The kitchen is a disaster area. I've gotten egg-whites on everything. There's pink batter in my hair and inbetween my nails. At least the egg shells made their way to the trash safely. You bet somebody's going to be pissed of tomorrow morning. It's a half-day at school, I can sleep when I get home.

After Eric left I watched Fear and Lothing in Las Vegas for the 234879487th time.

"Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor skills. Blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. "

It's weird dreaming about someone you don't know. Your mind somehow generates this image of what a person should look like, how they walk, talk, laugh, even character, personality. It's like picturing someone necked. Your mind has this ideological version of what a body should look like, or what you'd want it to look like. Yet there are so many missing details you could only acquire first hand. Wrinkles, moles, stretch marks, birthmarks, even scars. Strange how that is.

I've started hiding my cigarettes in my pillowcases.
It's proven efficient so far, we'll see how long that lasts.

Wow, i just tried out one of my Macarons.
Disgusting!

A real brief update.

2009-02-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today was nice!
Besides finding the hidden stash, Xiomy, Anthony and I went for a walk to the cliffs then, shoplifted about 20 bucks worth of candy from a dollar general that smelled like a nail salon. Afterward, we headed to Rain forest cafe. I had a six dollar drink that tasted like foot loops, it's called orangesicle or some shit. You would've thought they could have had the decency to slip me some alcohol in the drink for what i was paying, but no. Afterward I headed on home since Jess was planning on coming over to showcase her bike. It stared raining so I ended up going to get her in my dads truck which was very fortunate because we noticed this really cool desk, a coffee table and a recliner sitting outside as trash waiting to be picked up. We loaded the desk, and coffee table in the back of the truck. Jess got dibs on the desk, and the coffee table is currently sitting in my room. It looks like so

I wish I could've taken picture of the desk, it was pretty cool. Anyways we got home and helped out my parents with the grill. Here are some pictures from the day!

I recently found this band Dead Mellotron on myspace, randomly browsing. They're pretty good! They even let you download their EP, Ghost Constellation Project, for free.

Nothing I ever imagined- Dead Mellotron

Dress Rehearsal- Dead Mellotron

a couple others from Here we go magic
Here we go magic- Fangala
Here we go magic- Only pieces excerpt

“No matter what our achievements might be, we think well of ourselves only in rare moments. We need people to bear witness against our inner judge, who keeps book on our shortcomings and transgressions. We need people to convince us that we are not as bad as we think we are.” Eric Hoffer

goodnight

2009-02-16T08:28:00.000-08:00

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) "You should pinch yourself a few times today just to make certain that you are really awake. The polarity between reality and fantasy is quite strong now, making it difficult for you to find a sensible position in the middle. But avoiding extremes can be quite a challenge, unless you have someone you trust enough to use as a sounding board."

These are starting to scare me.

I need to start writing in my journal again. I've been neglecting it for about a week now.

My cat fell asleep last night listening to

I'm not- Panda bear
Oliver James- Fleet Foxes
I'll be on the water- Akron/Family

update!!!!!!
Running into hidden stashes make my daaaaaaaaaay

2009-02-15T17:30:00.000-08:00

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) "It's tricky for you to discern what's real, now that your fantasies are so vivid that they seep through the filter separating night from day. You could be so entangled in your own dreams that you accidentally mislead yourself. There's nothing wrong with sinking into the magic of the subconscious world. But remember, when you wake up later in the week, you'll need to make up for lost time and take care of unfinished business."

My horoscope for today. I know exactly what it's referring to. I'm not into astrology or anything but sometimes these surprise me. I kind of take them as fortune cookies, or those 'magic 8' balls.

I need a cigarette and then I'd like a drink, or a few. Then a nice walk, maybe another cigarette. Coffee.

But i can't do any of that, so instead I'll go hang out in my tub. I've been spending a lot of time in there. Sometimes with water, sometimes empty, full clothed, and I'll just take a nap. Sometimes I'll lay there with music, other times the phone keeps me company. Noah described it perfectly. It's like being back in your mother's womb all over again. I can't describe it any better. There's security in small spaces. At least for me. I think maybe, when we moved here, that's why I picked the smallest room in the house.

Do you ever think about this?

You get, let's say a toothache. It's on the right side of your mouth and it's killing you. Instead of thinking about how to soothe the feeling, you think, I wonder what this would feel like on the left side of my mouth. I call this symmetrical pain. I do this ALL the time. In car rides and especially at school, everyone knows sleeping on desks can be the worst way to indulge in exhaustion. So your hand goes numb, and your left collarbone hurts, you've got a red mark that resembles some type of animal cracker silhouette on your forehead. But it still doesn't stop you the next period. You just lay on the opposite side, to balance things out. Symmetrical pain.

My anxiety is acting up again. I've been doing things, i wont go into details with but, I shouldn't be doing them. I haven't smoked pot in about two weeks. Not for any particular reason or anything, which is surprising. Maybe I should though, it might have something to do with my anxiety.

I'll stop, glass half full and all that jazz.

Born Ruffians- Little garcon

Charles Trenet- La mer

Blind Pilot- One red thread

"In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." Eric Hoffer.

Happy Singles-Awareness Day!

2009-02-14T10:51:00.000-08:00

When did hallmark cards get so over priced?
4.50$ for a piece of shit paper, I could probably draw better, and make up a better rhyme, at home.
I tried making one actually, but the paint didn't dry on time.
Roses cost 80$ because they come with a vase?
Rip off
If there's one thing I hate most about Valentine's day, besides the fact I'm single this year, is the traffic. I suggest you stay indoors and hide until tomorrow. Unless you want to get stuck in traffic behind some guy listening to "Miss new booty" with the bass, full speed ahead, so YOUR car windows vibrate.
My mom hates wildflowers, this bothers me.

I sported my brown hair out today, it's still curly and all over the place.
I pretty much procrastinated fixing it up last night.
I'll probably work on that later

I'm in the mood to chop it all off, to be honest.
Well, most of it, but I'll consider this later as well,
it might just be the bitterness of the holiday taking it's toll on me.

I like it!

The morning light is nice
I woke up from this weird dream about portals, and Noah was there in my time travels.
I don't remember much, but I've had this dream before.
Only last time, I traveled through holidays like Easter, and Christmas.
This time, I remember being in a tall green room, sitting in this parked tan minivan, and the minivan's carpet was that really synthetic green "grass" like carpet they install in indoor golf courses. Some kids in my government class and I were smoking a joint and trying to get the car started. After that I'm blank.

I wanted to get caught in the rain yesterday. I missed it twice. I even wore my favorite shoes with the holes in the soles, so if i step in puddles I could get my feet wet, just a little bit but no luck. It looks like rain today. I might go for a walk in a bit in the same shoes. Those babies are falling apart man, but how I love them.

Boneless- The Notwist
Bag of Hammers- Thao
A little too late- Daniel Rossen
Evergreen- Celebration

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

A few thing's I'd like to point out.

2009-02-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again trying to avoid cleaning.
It's been a good day but there's this lingering feeling I can't help ignore.
I'm not really sure why it's come about.
Actually I do know. I shouldn't lie to myself.
I guess you can say it's a build up, there isn't one single thing bothering me.
It's just an overload I guess. I've decided that I'm going to stop thinking about my time. Weeks actually. They're going way too fast. The day's even. I remember when school used to drag on. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the company. Maybe both? It's been about three weeks where I feel the weekends are back to back. I skipped my welding class again. Noe and I actually, we sat in the art hall, just talking. Some kid with a guitar giving out those dreaded singing valentines sang some Barry Louis Poliser to us.

A few things on my mind recently. I asked a couple of people about their earliest memories. I kind of want to get a few on tape and turn it into this video collage of memories. That'd be neat.
Noe's explain his fear of snakes, and a sweet rare moment with his mom. The kid with the guitar said he remembers running around wooden poles when they started constructing his house. My dad said his first memory was running down a hill to show acouple of friends a new pair of pants they had just bought him, he was so exited he tripped and fell, rolling what was left of the hill. When he got up, he noticed they had torn and he cried on his way back home. My mom's was also related somewhat to clothes. We all found that a little coincidential. She says her mother bought her these corduroy shoes she hate, so she walked to school and before they closed the gate and the bell rang she ran to this underpass and took off her shoes left them there and went barefoot to school.

Another thing I want to cover is eye contact. It's been quite some time since I actually stopped and thought about this. What's cool is the way different people percive making eye contact in itself. There's this kid in my homeroom class, who sits across the room, but directly parallel facing me. We've made eye contact quite a few times! I'm not attracted to this guy or anything but it's fun to see his different reactions. I wonder what he thinks of me? After reading all those missed connections on craigslist that started out with a simple glance at the eyes, it really makes you wonder. There are all these feeling involved out of these single pair of organs, and it transmits so much, sentuatity for example. That single second of akwardness of being caught looking at someone, there's so much awareness in that. Probably more than speech if you think about it.

"And I remembered the last time I saw you. How brief it had been. How simple. I don't think I kissed you the right way before you walked out the door. It rained when you came to me. I could smell it on you. You'd think these goodbye would be somewhat dramatic. Like a movie scene unfolding, but it ended with you're dad honking the truck's horn twice, and my mother reminding me to turn the porch lights on."

----------an update-----------------
It pains me to see how my mother wishes to meet someone else's accomodations than my own. I shouldn't be selfish, but goddamnit I'm 17. I have a right to. Back on subject. My weekend plans have gone to absolute shit. Instead of staying home alone, I'm obligated to stay with my aunt. It wouldn't be so bad but let's put it this way. She's been single her whole life. Not that she looks like a toad or anything like that. It's just that she has that 'cat-lady' personality except, she doesn't own any cats, her house smells like cabbage, and she collects dolls.
-------update on an update-----------
Okay, so now I have to go to Mexico and I'm grounded.
What the fuck. I seriously need to get the fuck out of here. I hate saying this but it's the only word I can think of right now. REPRESSED.
God, that's angsty. Makes me want to vomit.
It's like trying to communicate to someone that you're depressed, when you roll you're eyes at every fucker that comments on his perscription refill. I don't need this. I'm going to have to be in a car with two people for six hours whom dislike me very very much right now.
Does this make me sound like a brat?
I'm not I swear.

Since I'm "too busy" packing AND cleaning, not.
I'm going to list to myself, and you I guess, things that soothe me.

-hanging out in a bath tub.
do it, seriously I suggest it.
-nap!
Doesn't really help but it's better than tylenol!
and everyone loves napping!
-milk and raisins.
This is my comfort food, maily because it's what i have when the munchies come around.
-getting lit.
Okay see this bothers me, every time I do get stressed out, I try and not smoke. I wouldnt want to make it a habit. It's like drinking, or cocaine. I'm quite sociable, but it doesnt mean I'm going to do a few bumps everytime I go to class, or carry around a flask. (Yes, I've thought about it haha, the flask. The coke I did for a whole week, probably ate twice and made twice as many friends than I have the whole 4 years I've been to school.) but that's exactly how you become an alcoholic, or well cokehead.

Why does cocaine have such a bad connotation?
seriously? It's great.
People are just selfish and take things over board.
If only there where just a drug that could get you going like coke, but mellow you out like pot.
Coffee you fuccccckers.

what was I talking about?
oh yeah, getting lit. See weed is a drug for procrastinators.
everyone knows this. Especially if your "running from your problems"
sarcasim.

It just makes you say "fuck it" now.
But your shit's still going to be there later.
(Haha, I feel like such a hypocrite right now you have no idea)
The more you put it off the worse it's going to get.

I really do need to clean my room now.

"If I could turn back years, I don't want to know everything I know now. Because the sweetest time are when you are in your teenage years and you dont know many things. I mean, you only feel yknow? You dont have the practical side of you. Those are the sweetest times." (2:07)

-------update on an update on an update.---------
My parents got into a fight so the meixco thing is on the rocks.
As usual, this goes down, the night before anything big is going to happen.
My mom is blowing stress off by vacuuming, and my dad is... somewhere?
I can never tell where he is in the house. Very quite man in contrast to my mom.

Bob- The dodos
Heavy water- Grouper

goodnight.

Note to self among other things.

2009-02-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it's settled. I've decided to go camping for my birthday.
The hardest part to it is deciding which campsite is best, in other words cheaper.
Something near a lake preferably, I want to go fishing!

Things I need
a couple of these;

One of these:

Worm bait and fishing pole!

The rest, I'm pretty sure we have lying around. Sleeping bags, coolers, charcoal, lighterfluid, portable speakers. Nessecities, yknow? What I need is a budget. I'm not spending any money on dank, because well... that's expected. Hhowever I will pitch in a hefty amount for the drinks. Now that I think about it, a cabin with a minifridge would be nice. It'll keep the drinks cold, as compared to the cooler-ice life span ratio, let's say three hours? Eh, I'll work the pros and cons out later. I'm sitting in my room, with all the lights turned off, window wide open. I could really go for a cigarette but my dad's... somewhere in the house.

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.” Eric Hoffer, man.

It's windy and raining.

2009-02-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Besides the weather and the fact that I left my cigarettes in Isabelle's glove compartment, it's been a pretty good day.
This four day weekend needs to hurry up.
You need to check out these bands.

www.myspace.com/binaryid
www.myspace.com/viernesviernes
www.myspace.com/happyfamilymusic

I asked the guy from Happy Family, Will Pesta, to recommend anything worthwhile and he recommended Boredoms- Seadrum among other things. It's a pretty long track, 23 minutes, actually. The instrumental substance makes it well worth its while. I have to multi-task while I'm listening to it or else I'd get nothing done. He's also really good at art as well, check that out here.

Here are two albums I've been Listening to non-stop.
Click the links to download them zip-style, which I learned how to do today (YES!)

Click !

Click !

I thought this was interesting.

“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.” Henry David Thoreau.

well yes.

2009-02-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm aware there about 5 dozen typos in that last post.
Forgive my lack of re-reading, and dyslexia.

check this out

You should forward the latter video to about 2:20 it's so good.

"Necessity is blind until it becomes conscious. Freedom is the consciousness of necessity." Karl Marx

Que se coma el Mamey

2009-02-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm going to write a bit of nonsense right now.
Because I can. My mom's gotten into one of her routines where she picks up my dad's shit and throws it into the guest room. Typical. You know I always wondered whether if all that yelling would in fact turn into negative energy, afterward it would convert into a poltergeist. That would be wicked cool. I've learned to block it out though, the yelling. It's kind of like music at work, or when I did work. It all just turned into background buzz. My parents are kind of a weird phenomenon to me. I mean, I hate them (and I'm using the word hate very, very loosely) as much as the next

My dad likes to talk a lot about weird shit at the dinner table. Today for example, we were eating Salmon for dinner and he compared it to brains he had seen while doing a clean up job where there had been a plane crash. If it's not brains or guts he's always talking about shit. Noah can back me up on this one. Corn is his second favorite subject, where as the fact of whether or not you can see it in your feces is his first. We played guess the Mormon from the Jehovah's Witness once on the way to the flea market. He won, he knows his guys on bikes with white button up shirts, holding the book of Mormon in contrast to the suited ones handing out pamphlets on salvation. He always yells at me because I walk around barefoot, or I'm chewing on something that could be considered a choking hazard. I'm laughing to myself at the moment because, well, I'm chewing on a Bingo counting chip. Usually it's straws, or a pen cap. He's not home the often but when he is, I try and get him started talking about his past, when he was my age. He doesnt go into details much but he's what I've learned so far. His first girlfriend's name was Camila, and not "ka-mila" for you white fuckers out there, it's "Ka-mee-la". His first car in the U.S. was a 1981 Malibu which he sold, for 800 bucks and spent it on cigarettes and rent. His next car was a 1983 Celica, I would kill to get my hands on.

I know that when he's stressed, he rubs the bridge of his nose with his index finger and his tumb. He still treats me like a child, which I can handle but it gets frustrating after a while. Especially when I'm trying to get a serious point across.

My mom on the other hand, takes everything too seriously with out putting any thought in what she does. She's very insecure, and always runs situations over in her head, how she couldve handled it in another way, or what couldve been said differently. She's all about "energy" and positive and negative auras. Also very religious, which would be explained by the insecurity. She naggs at my dad alot, telling him he needs to let his inner child out. She also the type of person who thinks it's necessary to fill in ever silent void with conversation. Now, this is what mostly gets on my case because I do appriciate my silence every now and then.

You should hear some of the conversations that go on between all of us. I walked into the room and tucked my upper lip in between itself and my teeth and asked them what they would do if I looked like that. My dad said "Nothing, because I'd probably look like that too." Then he and my mom did it and we just stood there looking at each other with no upper lip. I'm strangely close to them, I guess it's the whole only child bit but sometimes my friends find it a bit uncomfortable.

I want to spend a single day traveling from church, to temple, to mosque, maybe even hit up a pyschic. I want to meet people who feel passionate about something. Someone who feels strongly about something as intangleble as religion. Actually now that think about it religion is one of many things, but i mean I rather meet someone who thinks he's reforming his life, than say a motorcross enthusiest. We passed this scientology church today, I think I want to hit that place up first. Just to see whats up. The point is to be opend minded. I rather be a person who takes in then close off because I don't necessarily believe in anything. I want to have my reasons set straight, and I do to some extent, but it's just for further knowlegde.

anyways.
Recently I've been listening to alot of old Rocio Durcal who was a spanish artists from the early 50s and on.

Lento e firme, deixe-se vão.

2009-02-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

I got that feeling today.
I hadn't had it in a while.
It was the feeling you get when you lose your car keys.
Then you realize you locked them in the car.
Like that, yeah.
Not cool.
It's like a desperation at first.
Then you just want to punch somebody in the head because you feel like such an idiot.
Anyways, I'm not going to go into details. I skipped welding, which was nice.
Welding gloves smell like gym socks, it gets old.
Noah and I ran into this guy with the most ridiculous jacket.
We ran up behind him and took pictures, well mine was an attempt.
He turned around as I was posing.

I've been listening to Caribou's album "The milk of human kindness"
Caribou-Barnowl
Caribou- Brahminy kite
Caribou- A final warning
Caribou- Hello hammerheads
Caribou- Pelican Narrows
Caribou- Subotnick

More Rusty Santos !
We got it so good.

"A man by himself is in bad company." Eric Hoffer

desmantelado

2009-02-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

A little thought;
Today I walked into a Shell gas station and I realized something.
You know the food that sits there?
The one you usually walk by ignoring on the way to get your Doritos?
It's actually a better buy.
I mean instead of a 16 oz coke you can buy for 1.89$ you can get a 32 oz fountain drink for 1.32$.
Besides that, let me mention the food for a second.
Okay so, The hot dog buns which turn stale after about a week, the extra greasy sausage link that has probably been over looked by the homeless guy on the corner, who can only afford the hot dog and a can of beer, passing up on the chili because of the extra 15 cent charge, is actually pretty good. Anyways, back to our homeless friend, let me let you in on a secret I've noticed, He follows the option of disregarding the plain link and splurging on the jalapeno one. Thus leaving you no choice, but a plain sausage link.
The homeless have taste bud's as well as feelings.
It's alright though, I don't do spicy.
I rather have the burrito I'm well aware has been sizzling underneath a heating lamp for about a day.
The point is, whether you're the homeless guy on the street, the proper uptight business man sporting a pinstripe suit and a stick up the ass, or just a regular nobody like myself, every bite is just as satisfying.
Well except to the homeless guy who probably appreciates a bud light much more than a hot dog with some relish.
In conclusion, convenient stores are actually convenient.

Recently I've had such an overload of real good music, I don't even know where to start!
I've been listening to alot of Animal Collective's Campfire Songs album. I got it about a week ago. I mean, I have a few of the songs in my ipod already, but I've gotten into a habit of listeing to an album full through. Its kind of hard to explain, but it really does change the perspective you have on certain songs.

Animal Collective- De Soto De Son
Animal Collective- What would I want sun
Although, the latter isn't from Campfire Song but a live recording, never the less, it's very good.
Listen to it all the way through, as you should with the rest of AC.

Caribou- bees
I like, I like.

Coconut- Miles de ojos
El Guincho side project, I love this song man.
Check out the rest of their stuff on myspace

Department of eagles- No one does it like you
So good, makes me want to go for a walk with some sunglasses, adding a little swing in the hips.

Mi Ami- African Rhythms
Sounds like... a more aggressive El guncho? Check it.

Panda bear- Bonfire of the vanities
Very different from most panda bear stuff, in a good way.

Pocahaunted- Warmest knives
Twelve minutes long, but it's well worth it. Very good blazing music. Check out their myspace.

Rusty Santos- Safe to say
Rusty Santos, known more as a producer than a musician but he's got skills. Little known fact is he recorded Song Tungs for AC, this guy must mean business.

South San Gabriel- Everglades
Reminds me of Portishead a bit, well just this song.

TTA-Taken too young remix
I hate describing things as cute, but this fits the bill. Very good remix

Teeth Mountain- Keinsein
Teeth Mountain- Ghost Science
Teeth Mountain- Soft Beast
Teeth Mountain- Harshtanz
I've really been getting into Teeth Mountain, very good music for lighting up as well!

The ruby suns- Its mwangi infront of me
The first time i heard this, it was 3am and i was lit as fuck. I literally got the chills, listen to it all the way through, I promise it's not all groans ha!

Fantastic Magic- Jam and Yima
Fantastic Magic- Flowerbed
This band had to grown on me for a while.
Some of their stuff I'm still trying to let set in, but so far these are the ones that I think are absolutely fantastic.

Caribou- Lord Leopard
Very cool song, reminds me a little of Ratatat

Grails- Acid Rain
I'd have to say, in all honesty, this has been my favorite song so far this year.
It reminds me alot alot alot of Pink Floyd mixing in alot of those classic sounds, with newer stuff.
Just long enough to pass a j around and not fret about having to get up to change the song.
This is how I like my music.

enough
about music though, I have so much more to cover in my "recently added" playlist.
Today I finally got around to buying

This post was extra long because of the fact Iprobably wont be updating untill the end of the week.
I have a research paper on cultural ethics due this friday that's been assigned for two weeks now.
I havent even started on yet.
kill me.

"Faith in a holy cause is to a considerable extent a substitute for the lost faith in ourselves." Eric Hoffer.

-Out

holy fuck

2009-02-01T00:40:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot.
Somebody please please please help me find
Philip Glass- Floe
I've looked and looked and looked with no luck.
I'll promise some type of reward?
Or maybe you should just help out of good faith?

Biting on a button

2009-01-31T21:18:00.000-08:00

I saw a guy walking with his shirt on backwards down the kitchen sink aisle at HomeDepot. It made me wonder how erratic his life must be. The tag on the shirt practically waved at me while he was passing the stainless steel section. What was going through his mind those two insignificant seconds it takes to flip a shirt so that you aren't letting the world know your shirt was made in Uruguay and It should be washed with colors in cold water.

ANYWAYS TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS

I am in love love love with Chromatic Flights.
This kyle, from Blind man's colour has his side project you should really check out.
I downloaded an old (?) ep a couple of days ago and I'm pretty much hooked.
Wasn't too fond of all the covers BMC did on Merriweather post pavilion.
Their other stuff is pretty good as well.

Jimmy Dove- Blind man's colour.
Ancient urchins- Blind man's colour.
Taste- Animal Collective cover- Blind man's colour
Favorite cat- Chromatic flights

Next I want to point out how excited I am for Dr.Dog coming to houston!
I've only heard positive things about them live.
check out this video of a live set they did @ npr headquarters.
too good.

Uncovering the old- Dr.dog
How dare- Dr. dog

I cannot stress how much anxiety I'm getting over all the shows I want to cover this year.

oh, thought I'd share.

Invisible- Grouper

As soon as I heard the build up of the guitar, I cought on. Then the influx of the vocals blew me away entirely. To be honest ever since I got into the band Grails I like when the emphasis of the music, is actually on the music, in other words not as vocally strong as the instruments are. If that makes ANY sense.

"In running away from ourselves we either fall on our neighbor's shoulder or fly at his throat." -Eric Hoffer
I'm probably going to be quoting alot more of him in the future.
I'm reading one of his books, which is absolutely brilliant.

Haircut.

2009-01-30T15:45:00.000-08:00

Noah got a haircut.
snapped a few.

Balser being shy all the while kicking us out of the nurses office. I bet she was very beautiful as a young girl. You can tell in her eyes.

Suggestive.

"The secret of remaining young is never to have an emotion that is unbecoming" - Oscar Wilde

Check it.

Tunnelvision by Here we go magic

Sweet disposition by The temper trap

I have this weird habit of picturing what people are going to look like when they get older.
And with older people, I try picturing what they looked like when they were in their prime.
It's funny sometimes, i find myself thinking "I bet she was a stone fox."
Not in that way of course but i genuinely mean it.
Sometimes I can see my parents aging.
Where his jawline becomes overwhelmed with sagging skin, or where her eyelids start to slide downwards.
I try capturing little moments, when we're at the dinner table, all laughing, enjoying each other's company and i stop and look at them and i think
This is how I want to remember you.

Aha, bueno, pues si.

2009-01-30T04:28:00.001-08:00

It's 6:24 am. I've got about twenty minutes until I start walking to school.

29 degrees isn't as bad as it sounds when there is no wind.

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer'' ( Albert Camus )

later.